Lead Me...

So I was listening to this song on the radio today as I drove to go to pay a bill. When I was listening to it I got to thinking about myself and how far away I have let myself get from the girl that I once was. There for a while I was really back on the "straight and narrow" but like the millions of other times, it feels, I have tried to get back the girl that I was when I was a child I end up falling short. Then I got to thinking about how most churches talk about the man, father, husband, whatever being the spiritual leader. I feel like my father was that. And I really think that when my father passed away there is this part of me that without him has a really hard time keeping up the person that I am supposed to be.

I really need help in this area, I want people to give me some advice. And I want to know if this is normal when the person who is the spiritual leader in the family dies if the other tend to have a hard time staying "in-line". Also if I am having such a hard time am I at the wrong church am I not following the things that I should be?

Am I destined to be an OLD MAID?!?!?!?

So I am one of those girls who has spent forever saying that I am not going to EVER get married. Nope not me. I am not even interested in dating. I don't have time for it I don't want it.

Yeah well that was my case until today.

A good friend of mine from childhood is getting married. And for the first time in the almost 5 years since I graduated high school I am actually invited to the wedding/Bridal Shower etc. for a friend.

Today was the bridal shower and I was sitting at a table with some of her other friends whom I have known for years now. And they are all married or getting married. And they are all talking about advice to give her for when she gets married and talking about their weddings and their married life. And then it hit me...

Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick.  Tock. Tick. Tock. BUZZZZZ!


Yep there it was... me sitting in a house an old maid just me and my cats. Okay okay I get it. I am only 22 and I have so long ahead of me. BUT what if this pessimist attitude toward marriage and dating has completely hindered me undateable... or what it the ONE has passed me by and settle for second best because I was unattainable because I felt like I didn't want to get married?

So I know I still have time and I don't need to be in a hurry, but Boy oh boy does it feel awkward to be the unmarried one. And as for hanging out with those married friends... yeah that probably won't happen anymore.

Sure I am glad I got invited, its nice not to be the left out one again but now GEEZ I never knew that I was going to feel like this.. I mean serious emotional issues of the worst kind. I am setting there thinking that I am going to be along FOR-EV-ER (read in your best sandlot voice) and that used to not be a problem for me...

Miss Independent!

Yeah well this girl is thinking that she might just really want to have someone in her life. A wedding with a white dress, the cake, dancing, the parties. Yep that is just about it. And I want to have a partner someone who loves me and will hold me when I need that.

Sadly my relationships with men since my dad passed have been TERRIBLE! I need to find a healthy relationship. One with a man, who is a man. Not one who is stuck being a boy. Someone who can deal with my baggage even though I am putting it behind me. Someone who isn't bogged down with baggage. Like I said I am putting mine behind me I don't want to fix yours. Someone who understands the need for emotional love over physical love. Someone who understands that there needs to be a ring around my finger and those two words spoken before we ever make love. Someone who is in it for the long run.

So I guess what this has taught me is that I need to just be open to dating. I need to be okay with the idea of dating and understand that the marriage thing doesn't have to happen today but I don't have to end up alone either. If I am meant to get married it will happen in GOD's time!

A good support system

So I went out to eat tonight with my two best friends, and as we were going in one of my two friends was talking about a text message she had received from another friend of ours where she was talking about it being great that she had us (Me and the other friend as sidekicks). Well long story short, the friend that receive the text was very tired, she was at work early today. And she misread it, she thought that it said “kickstands”

When she told me this I really think that she was thinking I was going to think that she was completely stupid. But really it got me to thinking.

What does a kickstand do? It is there to support the bike when the bike isn’t being used (or able to hold itself up)

So it got me to thinking what do your friends do? They are there to support you!

So it actually made a lot of sense. Your friends are a support system, sometimes for the physical, like when you stand up too fast and you are dizzy and they hold on to you for a little support. Or for the other times like the times when you are emotional drained and you just need someone to give you a little lift. I know we have all been there I can think of countless times that I have felt like I was at the end of my line, like it was all too rough and then there my friends came and they have me that little boost I needed to make it through another day.

One time in particular that I can remember is when my dad passed away, I was a sophomore in high school and I was really good at playing the “This isn’t bothering me/my dad is in a better place” card. I tried so hard to be tough to not let it show that I am upset. But even though I didn’t make this big outward show that I need the support in came my friends. During school they passed around a card and at the end of the day one of them came to my class and gave me the card. It made me cry but it also made my soul happy to know that there were so many people who cared about me. Also when we had the funeral my friends were there sitting with me holding my hand and giving me much needed support.

When other people might walk out of your life, those dark times and tough times your friends are usually there to help you though. Just like a kickstand, it doesn’t matter to the kickstand if you are using it and the sun is shining or there is a thunder storm. It doesn’t matter at all the whole point is that it is there to support the bike just like your friends are there for you!

Never in my life did I think I would be able to compare friendship to the kickstand on a bicycle but you know sometimes you just have to think a little outside the box and you realize that even the strangest things can remind you of your life. 

Spiritual Merry-Go-Round

For about the past 7 years I’ve lived “going thru the motions” when it came to church and God in general. I was coming to church every week for a few Sundays then going back to not going at all. Just showing up listening to a sermon, singing songs…but was I getting anything out of it? If I had to be honest…I wasn’t! For years I was a good little church girl, the door was open, there I was. Every trip, everything I was in attendance. I’d come home with this spiritual high hoping for more but soon there I was back settling for the same old routine. Sure I went every week but was I really learning anything more?

I think all too often we get in a habit of showing up and going thru the motions; Sunday school, worship, offering, sermon, prayer… all of it becomes more of a show than what you are actually there for. Are we going to church because we want to study the Word, or are we there because parents, grandparents, friends want us to be there? Are we there because we want to KNOW God or are we there because we were raised that all good little Christians must go to church on Sundays? I know as a teenager it almost became more of a social event than a learning experience. And for the past several though I trust God & pray, I haven’t spent much time in the Word. And because of the ‘merry-go-round’ the whole concept of organized religion became this thing that was no good. And because going thru the motions wasn’t working anymore my relationship with God suffered because you need the fellowship with others because they are there to build you up.

I wasn’t until about two weeks ago when the Lord intervened. The message was LOUD & CLEAR! One of my best friends attended a new church and then asked me to visit with her, I was open to the idea but I wasn’t ready just yet. We were at lunch that afternoon when we were talking about going to visit the next week. A couple came in and sat next to us, and soon the women interrupted the conversation and told us a story. Then stated that she and her husband were care pastors at a church, the same church we had been talking about. We hadn’t mention that church at all the whole time that they were sitting by us and that is when we knew that God was trying to talk to us. We knew that there was a message and a reason for all of this. I was feeling the crazy spiritual high, and not from a conference engineered to pump you up and Christ, no by Christ himself! I had been spending more time just listening to worship music and on The Good Woman Project. T started to see the helpful post on there and the other sites they recommended about dealing with pornography and sexual sin. I knew I needed help. I went to church that Sunday and they talked about addition it hit me like a ton of bricks and the tears started to flow. It was then that church became meaningful, I felt God. I knew he was using that day to speak to me. And I know that if open my heart he will continue to speak to me. I know I have a purpose in this world I just have to let God use me.

So I guess what my point is that If you are just going thru the motions pray about it, maybe you are in the wrong place or maybe you just need to listen to Him but until you try you will never know!

   

My Chains are Gone, I've been Set Free.

Hello, I am Heather and I am 22 years old and for the last 7 years I have been quietly struggling a battle within myself, dealing with a sexual sin. Now you are probably wondering why I would share this with you. But first I want to tell you about what I have been dealing with, then where I am now and how I got here, and then where I am hoping to go from here!
When I was 15 years old my father passed away, I think that before this I was aware of sexuality but it wasn't something that was a problem in my life, when my dad died though I think that I had a need to find men (Guys) who wanted to give me attention and I would look for it in all the wrong places. I had a webcam on my computer and it wasn't long before I started using my body to get the attention of guys. I went to a store in a mall when I was in high school and just to annoy a friend because she was embarrassed by it I bought a sex toy. I kept it not really thinking much of it for a long time. During my time in high school I also began to have attraction to a female teacher and other females. Over time I got to a point that I started to masturbate and I would do it often. By the time I finished high school I knew that I was coming into a problem but I couldn't face it. In October of 2010 I was working at a gas station and I met a man, I wasn't really thinking anything of meeting this man who asked me to come see him after a midnight shift. I honestly thought that this man was gay but nevertheless I went over to his friends house and after some kissing (which I wasn't expecting) he raped me. I was a virgin at the time despite all of the other things that were going on in my life and I felt so dirty and scared and I went to the hospital to make sure that I was going to be okay. After this time though I have developed even more bad habits, using the sex toy and other things to masturbate and an addiction to pornography. I have for years now been suffering in silence. It wasn't until last week when I was on goodwomenproject.com's facebook page and I found out about Dirty Girl's Ministries both of which helped me, but even more was the article I read here. It was written by Lindsay and her story inspired me. This is where I am at now, sort of. My friend attended a new church and had invited me, I knew that I needed to talk to someone about this, but how do you just casually bring up to your friends that you are a sexual mess... I went to church with her and the pastor this morning was talking about addictions, and it was like he was speaking right to me. I sat there and as soon as there was a chance I went forward to pray. I gave it  all up to God and I know that I can be set free of this, sure I am not perfect, I've never claimed to be, and sure it might be hard sometimes but I know that God is bigger than this and that if I trust him that I will be able to make it.
So where am I wanting to go, well from here I'd like to use this blog as a place for my Christian growth and for my journey to healing my mind, body, and soul. I hope that you will join me and I hope that you will give me any advice you might have.