Lead Me...

So I was listening to this song on the radio today as I drove to go to pay a bill. When I was listening to it I got to thinking about myself and how far away I have let myself get from the girl that I once was. There for a while I was really back on the "straight and narrow" but like the millions of other times, it feels, I have tried to get back the girl that I was when I was a child I end up falling short. Then I got to thinking about how most churches talk about the man, father, husband, whatever being the spiritual leader. I feel like my father was that. And I really think that when my father passed away there is this part of me that without him has a really hard time keeping up the person that I am supposed to be.

I really need help in this area, I want people to give me some advice. And I want to know if this is normal when the person who is the spiritual leader in the family dies if the other tend to have a hard time staying "in-line". Also if I am having such a hard time am I at the wrong church am I not following the things that I should be?

Am I destined to be an OLD MAID?!?!?!?

So I am one of those girls who has spent forever saying that I am not going to EVER get married. Nope not me. I am not even interested in dating. I don't have time for it I don't want it.

Yeah well that was my case until today.

A good friend of mine from childhood is getting married. And for the first time in the almost 5 years since I graduated high school I am actually invited to the wedding/Bridal Shower etc. for a friend.

Today was the bridal shower and I was sitting at a table with some of her other friends whom I have known for years now. And they are all married or getting married. And they are all talking about advice to give her for when she gets married and talking about their weddings and their married life. And then it hit me...

Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick.  Tock. Tick. Tock. BUZZZZZ!


Yep there it was... me sitting in a house an old maid just me and my cats. Okay okay I get it. I am only 22 and I have so long ahead of me. BUT what if this pessimist attitude toward marriage and dating has completely hindered me undateable... or what it the ONE has passed me by and settle for second best because I was unattainable because I felt like I didn't want to get married?

So I know I still have time and I don't need to be in a hurry, but Boy oh boy does it feel awkward to be the unmarried one. And as for hanging out with those married friends... yeah that probably won't happen anymore.

Sure I am glad I got invited, its nice not to be the left out one again but now GEEZ I never knew that I was going to feel like this.. I mean serious emotional issues of the worst kind. I am setting there thinking that I am going to be along FOR-EV-ER (read in your best sandlot voice) and that used to not be a problem for me...

Miss Independent!

Yeah well this girl is thinking that she might just really want to have someone in her life. A wedding with a white dress, the cake, dancing, the parties. Yep that is just about it. And I want to have a partner someone who loves me and will hold me when I need that.

Sadly my relationships with men since my dad passed have been TERRIBLE! I need to find a healthy relationship. One with a man, who is a man. Not one who is stuck being a boy. Someone who can deal with my baggage even though I am putting it behind me. Someone who isn't bogged down with baggage. Like I said I am putting mine behind me I don't want to fix yours. Someone who understands the need for emotional love over physical love. Someone who understands that there needs to be a ring around my finger and those two words spoken before we ever make love. Someone who is in it for the long run.

So I guess what this has taught me is that I need to just be open to dating. I need to be okay with the idea of dating and understand that the marriage thing doesn't have to happen today but I don't have to end up alone either. If I am meant to get married it will happen in GOD's time!

A good support system

So I went out to eat tonight with my two best friends, and as we were going in one of my two friends was talking about a text message she had received from another friend of ours where she was talking about it being great that she had us (Me and the other friend as sidekicks). Well long story short, the friend that receive the text was very tired, she was at work early today. And she misread it, she thought that it said “kickstands”

When she told me this I really think that she was thinking I was going to think that she was completely stupid. But really it got me to thinking.

What does a kickstand do? It is there to support the bike when the bike isn’t being used (or able to hold itself up)

So it got me to thinking what do your friends do? They are there to support you!

So it actually made a lot of sense. Your friends are a support system, sometimes for the physical, like when you stand up too fast and you are dizzy and they hold on to you for a little support. Or for the other times like the times when you are emotional drained and you just need someone to give you a little lift. I know we have all been there I can think of countless times that I have felt like I was at the end of my line, like it was all too rough and then there my friends came and they have me that little boost I needed to make it through another day.

One time in particular that I can remember is when my dad passed away, I was a sophomore in high school and I was really good at playing the “This isn’t bothering me/my dad is in a better place” card. I tried so hard to be tough to not let it show that I am upset. But even though I didn’t make this big outward show that I need the support in came my friends. During school they passed around a card and at the end of the day one of them came to my class and gave me the card. It made me cry but it also made my soul happy to know that there were so many people who cared about me. Also when we had the funeral my friends were there sitting with me holding my hand and giving me much needed support.

When other people might walk out of your life, those dark times and tough times your friends are usually there to help you though. Just like a kickstand, it doesn’t matter to the kickstand if you are using it and the sun is shining or there is a thunder storm. It doesn’t matter at all the whole point is that it is there to support the bike just like your friends are there for you!

Never in my life did I think I would be able to compare friendship to the kickstand on a bicycle but you know sometimes you just have to think a little outside the box and you realize that even the strangest things can remind you of your life.