Hello, I am Heather and I am 22 years old and for the last 7 years I have been quietly struggling a battle within myself, dealing with a sexual sin. Now you are probably wondering why I would share this with you. But first I want to tell you about what I have been dealing with, then where I am now and how I got here, and then where I am hoping to go from here!
When I was 15 years old my father passed away, I think that before this I was aware of sexuality but it wasn't something that was a problem in my life, when my dad died though I think that I had a need to find men (Guys) who wanted to give me attention and I would look for it in all the wrong places. I had a webcam on my computer and it wasn't long before I started using my body to get the attention of guys. I went to a store in a mall when I was in high school and just to annoy a friend because she was embarrassed by it I bought a sex toy. I kept it not really thinking much of it for a long time. During my time in high school I also began to have attraction to a female teacher and other females. Over time I got to a point that I started to masturbate and I would do it often. By the time I finished high school I knew that I was coming into a problem but I couldn't face it. In October of 2010 I was working at a gas station and I met a man, I wasn't really thinking anything of meeting this man who asked me to come see him after a midnight shift. I honestly thought that this man was gay but nevertheless I went over to his friends house and after some kissing (which I wasn't expecting) he raped me. I was a virgin at the time despite all of the other things that were going on in my life and I felt so dirty and scared and I went to the hospital to make sure that I was going to be okay. After this time though I have developed even more bad habits, using the sex toy and other things to masturbate and an addiction to pornography. I have for years now been suffering in silence. It wasn't until last week when I was on goodwomenproject.com's facebook page and I found out about Dirty Girl's Ministries both of which helped me, but even more was the article I read here. It was written by Lindsay and her story inspired me. This is where I am at now, sort of. My friend attended a new church and had invited me, I knew that I needed to talk to someone about this, but how do you just casually bring up to your friends that you are a sexual mess... I went to church with her and the pastor this morning was talking about addictions, and it was like he was speaking right to me. I sat there and as soon as there was a chance I went forward to pray. I gave it all up to God and I know that I can be set free of this, sure I am not perfect, I've never claimed to be, and sure it might be hard sometimes but I know that God is bigger than this and that if I trust him that I will be able to make it.
So where am I wanting to go, well from here I'd like to use this blog as a place for my Christian growth and for my journey to healing my mind, body, and soul. I hope that you will join me and I hope that you will give me any advice you might have.
Heather, you are awesome!
ReplyDeleteCongratulations on these steps you've taken! The courage and bravery it took just to go to that new church, to go down and pray, to invite God into this, to step out and tell a few people about your struggles on Twitter... I'm actually pretty excited for this avalanche that's started. :)
I'll be following and thinking and most likely praying for you. I'm right there with you in this overcoming thing. You're definitely not alone.
Huge hugs!
Thank you! It means a lot knowing that there are other people who are in agreement with me in prayer and people who are there to encourage me!
DeleteHEATHER.
ReplyDeleteI might finally for the first time in my life be able to experience what John is talking about in the Bible when he said, "I have no greater joy than to hear my children are walking in the truth." (3 John 1:4)
No. Greater. Joy. I am ecstatic for you and for the hope that is just dripping from you. Welcome to the rest of your life. It's beautiful. I will be thinking and praying for you so much, and I cannot even put into words how proud I am that you've gathered up the unbelievable amount of courage that it takes to write out your story and publish it for all the world to read.
Cling to Jesus. He adores you and has already wiped you as clean as snow. When he looks at you he sees you beautiful, white, pure and precious and he presents you to God as such. Know it and don't doubt it.
If you are a reader, let me know, and I can recommend some books that helped heal so much of my heart. Regardless of books, continue to seek God and be filled with SO MUCH JOY that you are now chasing after abundant life, and as you so beautifully put it, the woman that you were meant to be. God is so proud of you, and overflowing with joy for you.
- lauren xoxoxo
Thank you so much! And yes I am a reader I would love to have some book recommendations.
DeleteThis is so awesome, Heather. Thank you for sharing your heart! That is never easy.
ReplyDeleteThank you for you encouragement!
DeleteYou're courage is a blessing and an encouragement to me. I also recently opened up about my addiction to masturbation and I know the guts that it takes to say the things that you have.
ReplyDeleteRemember that God is walking with you. Every step you take he is right beside you.
The Good Women Project run by Lauren and the crew is a great resource and I'm glad that you've found them.
God bless you!
It does, I knew I needed to talk to my friends about it, but even after praying it was another almost 2 hours before I gain the courage to tell them. I know it isn't going to be easy and I am sure I need to probably get some kind of counseling which is something I am going to be talking to people at the church I went to yesterday about.
DeleteHeather!
ReplyDeleteSo happy for you! This is a HUGE step as I also took a very similar one 3 years ago. I can tell you God is working in you ALL THE TIME!!!! Your courage is so awesome to see. Thank you for sharing!
Thank you!
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